Depending on who you are, as a person, throughout your life experiences, and what stage of life you may be living in, those four words will have a very different impact on you.
Some people don’t care, at all.
Some people are excited to be single and alone during the holidays.
Some people struggle.
Some people hate it.
Someone was just totally rocked by that sentence.
Some find it sad, lonely, and each and every day is just one more day that drags on until the holiday season is over, and then those dreary winter blues can kick in instead.
Wow, doesn’t that sound exciting.
This isn’t some cheery “steps to self care” or “staying positive over the holidays” blog, no fake positivity here. But nor is it a Debbie downer read either.
As a single mom who is going into the holidays alone for the 6th time, or somewhere in there, and having experienced different variations of loss over each one, as well as someone who works with people from many different, usually less happy dynamics, I have seen and personally experienced the over worked, overwhelmed, broke and exhausted, grieving and never-ending side of things, even in the happy, make the most of it side of the holidays, and learned how to embrace every side of it.
There is a part of me that feels like I don’t have anything of value to share with you on the topic of Christmas, but thinking about that sparked the idea for this blog, which is the first one I have wrote in years, and that circles back around to my point; maybe how I keep getting through this each and every year, how I get by and make the most of it even when that doesn’t feel like enough, the repeat and the stress and the sadness mixed with the joy and the happy feelings and the guilt, maybe there is something in there worth sharing.
As most of my readers know by now, my story, bits and pieces of it, get shared a lot. Often by me, sometimes by others, and once in a while, profited on without my permission (M F ), but within this big, overall picture of “homeless sex author”, being broken, struggling, there are so many other extremely valuable pieces of my story that stand out and hold weight and value.
How I struggle and get through the holidays, while also enjoying them, celebrating, spending time with my kids and friends, creating new traditions over and over again, pretending to forget about the old ones, and somehow making the most of it, is simply another one.
Holidays are not easy for many of us even on the surface level. “In this economy”, it can be an impossible task just to buy groceries and keep the bills paid.
Now, you have to buy presents too, or at least a few. You gotta pull money out of nothing for extra, there’s food that needs to be purchased, kids are home longer during the holidays, more electricity is used, everything piles up super fast, there’s celebrations to attend or to be left out of, and time does past extremely fast. You have to decorate, get the tree out, bake some cookies. This is exceptionally true for those with younger children, doing the holidays alone, and trying to find a balance in normalcy.
I can already hear someone said, Carissa, Christmas doesn’t HAVE to be about all that.
Well, of course not. Sometimes. But, every year? If Christmas is important to you, if having a nice holiday with your children, your family, your friends, celebrating, making memories is important, can’t it be about those things sometimes? Can’t some Christmases be about tasty treats and a couple of thoughtful gifts under the tree, the gas to attend celebrations, and the time to spend together in relaxation without worrying about the literal roof over your head or the food you are eating in the same breath, and what each single thing costs?
And you know who carries that weight, makes it happen, fights through, hides the guilt, or doesn’t make it happen, and pretends it doesn’t matter?
The struggling single person. Parent or not, gender or not, someone struggling is going through this alone, possibly year after year. And it’s exhausting.
And no one takes care of this person, and does that back for them.
One year, in 2019, my Christmas tree fell over. Twice. Broke the fucking strings that attached it to the wall, and smashed all over my living room, in the middle of the night.
Until 2020, I always used a real tree. I even went a little big, because the tree itself, being the focal point of my living room and the gathering place for my family over the December month was always a big deal for me. That can be summed back up to our first Christmas in 2017 after fleeing a domestic. I went big, because I wanted to show my kids life was ok again.
The year my tree fell, I lost a lot of my irreplaceable Christmas things, ornaments my babies made me when they were babies, smashed, broken. The few things I had even managed to save while fleeing to the shelter. The first time the tree fell was at 4am, out of a dead sleep. It shook me, and the emotional aftermath was a lot.
I have solely fed and gifted my kids through the holidays some years with the help of social services, just so we could also keep our place and pay the bills. Man, I have been sad a lot during the holidays. Soaked in a lot of hot baths, crying quietly behind closed doors after babies were tucked into beds, and felt like a failure. A lot. Christmas after Christmas.
Told myself that I was doing my best, and also that my children deserve better, all in the same breath.
Counted down the days until the holidays were over and back to school, yet dreading my sense of urgency because of conflicting feelings; just want to relax and enjoy, just want to feel ok, just want my babies to be taken care of and have enough.
And oh, with back to school comes the stories, and the comparison, whether they realize it or not, or do it on purpose or not, those children share their holidays. And compare.
That doesn’t speak anything to whether children are grateful or understanding, this is nothing about the children at all, but the parents, and the feelings they can experience.
The guilt and feelings of failure on both sides; not giving them enough, not being able to just be grateful for what you have, and make that enough. Year. After year. After year.
Add in changes in traditions, loss of family, loved ones. No energy and desire to keep moving. To keep saving. To keep spending. To see it through.
Just existing.
But, existing through it all, and coming out the other side.
So yes, maybe at first I thought, even though I feel so compelled to blog again, and blog about this, and had that thought of not having anything of value to really share here, maybe that’s just it.
Maybe someone just needs to read this. Maybe someone is struggling with doing those same traditions alone, or starting new traditions all together. Maybe someone doesn't want to be alone. Maybe someone doesn't want to do this at all.
Someone needs to know that they are not in this alone. That if all they’re doing is getting through, again and again, I see you.
And maybe someone else will read this and gain a little more empathy for someone else who may shrink away or react to the words “single for the holidays” who are struggling with memories, feelings, burdens, what ifs, hopes, desires, exhaustion, hardships, emotions.
Maybe it’s the first real single holiday alone, and everything is so hard and overwhelming.
Maybe it’s the 16th holiday alone, and everything is still so hard and overwhelming.
Whatever holiday it is for you, if you are single this holiday season, and it's not a happy season for you...
I see you.
And I love you.
Thanks for being here.
Carissa, xo
Alone for the holidays, single for the holidays, starting new traditions, being alone.
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