Why I Was Made For This - doing the hard things, saying goodbye to my baby, healing, self love

Why I was Made For This

Why would I start a brand new business when it felt like my life was falling apart, and barely had the energy, the time or the money to feed and care for myself? Especially consider I’ve already been down this path once, or twice?

Why would I pour everything into my new venture while I was then also thrust into a messy custody battle with a guy who is too sick to even travel to see his kid, or attend court that he initiated, and spending twice as much time doing legal paper work and phone calls than I was actually going to school and building my business?

Why would I launch my new business the same week that my cat is dying? Yeah, I’m sitting here writing the first draft of this while ugly sobbing on my basement floor, sitting here saying goodbye to my baby, but I know by the time you are reading this, I will be deep in the throes of grieve.

Why? Why? Why?

I could, and have, asked myself that a lot.

But I have also asked something else.

Why not?

Mostly, because I wasn’t given, I am never given, and likely will never be given, much of a choice in the matter when life gets hard when I have a massive plate of things to do, goals, dreams, people to take care of (myself), bills to pay, life to live.

I know all too well that life doesn’t just stop when yours does.

Life literally continues to go on around you the moment it feels like a piece of your heart stops beating.

You will receive a call about an overdue bill 30 seconds after you receive a call from a police officer telling you something life changing.

My life has always been about learning to take care of myself, how to show up for myself in different ways, hold myself accountable, how to give myself grace and space, how to love myself and do the hard fucking things alone, when I am already in the midst of drowning, and don’t know how to do any of those things, and don’t want to do anything, and my base line is already below drowning so how can I keep myself up, how can I do the things?

I just do them.

I do not choose to do these things during the hard times. I choose to do big things with my life and then life gives me the hard times and then I have to make a decision on whether I am going to continue to follow my dreams and do the hard things during the hard things, or give up.

There have been times in the past where I was simply not strong enough to do the work and care for myself and show up and get things done.

So major dreams failed, were left behind, fell apart, were lost in the chaos that is my life while I struggled to keep myself afloat. I dropped a lot of balls.

But fuck man, let me tell you, that can only fucking happen so many times before something snaps. And what snapped was my will to keep being beaten down by my life and giving up on my dreams and my future because I was going through a hard time, to sit around forever in a sad pity feel sorry for me while everything wasted away.

Those hard times are always valid by the way. I am not belittling what I went through or belittling how hard it was to show up for myself or how I handled myself or being mean or hold anything against the past times when I didn’t do the things and I let it all slip through my grasp.

Grief is horrible.

Depression is a bitch.

Struggling kids. Mental health. My own health. Heart issues. Financial struggles. Death.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will always live WITH depression, PTSD, grief, and managing my mental health.

So the biggest thing I had to learn was grace.

Grace for myself for all the times I felt like I dropped the ball, like I wasn’t good enough for myself, for the people around me, wasn’t able to care for myself properly and everything I wanted fell apart.

Grace for learning that I also can’t just push through the hard times and ignore them, because that eventually leaves to an even bigger, worse fall apart.

I am learning that I can’t avoid them, can’t hide from them, and I can’t live in them forever and stop living my life simply because I am grieving, sad, lost, hurt, depressed, destroyed.

I have to keep showing up.

And in doing that over, and over, and over, I have learned so many incredible ways to show myself grace, to show up for myself when it’s difficult, to learn just how long I need to sit within those things and work through them and then to crawl into the shower when I am gross, to feed myself when I am malnourished, to drink when I am dehydrated, to file that paperwork while I am sobbing, to rest when I am doing too much, to get up when I know I have the energy, to respond to what needs my immediate attention and make a list of what can wait, to delegate, to move my body when I don’t want to, to ask for help when it’s hard.

Doing this over and over, time and time again, inside and out, I have begun to attract so many others into my life who live in the same boat, and it finally dawned on me one day that this is what I need to be doing for others, to help them figure out what tools they need and what to do and how to show up, because it’s not the same for everyone, and someone who has done and been in so many places can sit and listen with fresh eyes and maybe open up a world of knowledge and guidance for others. It was like a flood gate opened up inside of me and all this knowledge and ways I could help others can pouring out.

So when I tell people that I am doing life coaching and energy work, I mean it.

What I am doing is not for everyone. It’s not for the average person who needs some help goal setting to sell xyz or run so many miles or simply to start eating better and wants someone else to hold them accountable.

It’s for the people like me. The one’s who are suffering and drowning but still need to show up for themselves when its tough and when it’s hard when life just won’t let up. Only they don’t know how, or where to start, or feel overwhelmed, never found their passions, never made time for them, don’t even know where they’re stuck.

It’s for the people who never learned how to love themselves.

For the ones who never learned how to incorporate fun and passion and joy into their lives.

Even when they are drowning.

This new venture of mine wasn’t a quick thing and wasn’t put together over night and didn’t really come from nowhere or suddenly. It grew within me, I built it, created it, was called to it, could feel the universe begging me to use this gift to help others.

And that’s exactly what I am going to do with Aphrodisia Apprised. Help, show, tell, inform, educate people on passion, love, self love, empowerment, energy and sex.

Everything we need at our core to not only take care of ourselves, but what shape who we are and how we show up for ourselves.

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