Oh, yes, I'm going to throw it out there, just like that, such a taboo subject. The big "O", and FAKING it. Let's talk about it on this snowy cold Tuesday, shall we? I'm going a bit stir crazy lately working all the time and I want to have a little fun today.
So ,why do women, and sometimes men, fake an orgasm? Well, because the sex is awful of course, hahaha. No, I'm joking, I promise you. Sorry, terrible joke. Stir crazy over here guys, I know. Read on.
Hands up now, have you ever faked one? I can't see you through the computer screen, you can pretend you're just stretching when your co-worker looks at you funny, no ones judging. Let's be honest, we're all friends here. Have I faked an orgasm? Oh yes, when I was younger, I definitely faked one or two, or a dozen, and for some of the reasons I am about to share with you below. Now, it's been a long time since I have done so, but it took some real learning and sexual exploration, and some brutal honesty with myself, and we will talk about that too. But it starts with that key word... *HONESTY*. Start by getting honest with yourself. Are you faking it?
There are many reasons why someone may fake an orgasm, but rarely is it because the sex is just that terrible. I mean, it might be, but we will touch on that one too.
An orgasm is truly a MIND, BODY and SOUL experience. Even more so for women than men. (Fun fact, a woman can have a mental orgasm, no touch needed. Sexy, hey?) So, taking that in, it starts to become clear that sometimes, an orgasm is not attainable because one part, or more, of that mind, body and soul equation, is missing. If you're not feeling that passion, that love, that LUST, for your partner, if your mind is elsewhere while you're in the heat of the moment, thinking about yesterday's meeting, tonight's dinner plans, tomorrow's shopping trip, if you're wondering if you left the dryer on at home, if you're not happy with the way your partner is touching you, then you're not going to achieve the orgasm you're striving for.
Oh, and that pressure hanging over your head, that's a bitch, and sure isn't helping you make that sexy o face.
If you're uncomfortable speaking up for what you're longing for, if you can't voice your desires and what pleases you, if you're just laying there, letting your partner guess and go with what they know, well, you know what, NEWS FLASH. They aren't going to be able to read your mind. And you know what? They're going to keep doing what they're doing because you're pretending it makes you happy, so they think they're pleasing you, and you're going to keep faking it, and that ridiculous cycle is going to continue. Enough. You know what's going to break that cycle? Speaking UP.
Oh, someone just starting shaking in their panties when I said that didn't they? Carissa, I can't SPEAK UP and tell my partner what I want. I'm not confident enough. Fine, fair enough. Let your body do the talking then. Shift yourself around. Move their hands, their mouth, with your hands, Direct them with your body. MOAN when it really feels good, make some noise when they hit the really good spots you want them to. It is a really sexually empowering feeling to say, touch me here, it makes me feel good, harder here, lighter here, that's how you're going to make me orgasm.
Or, get creative, and spice things up. Ask them to watch you masturbate. Make a sexy date night out of it, and watch them please themselves as well. No one knows your body like you do, and like wise, no one knows your partner like they do. Watch what they do with their hands, watch what makes them tick, what spots they like best, what kind of pressure they use, what speed. In reality, you two (or 3, more, maybe you're a poly group, I'm not judging) are in this together, and you want to please each other. Your partner WANTS to know what you want!
But we can take that back a whole other step, too. It's quite possible that you YOURSELF don't even know what you want. Maybe you aren't sure what really makes you tick. Maybe masturbation is new to you, because someone told you you'd grow hairy palms and stay cross-eyed if you ever pleasured yourself. Ok, I get it, but it's 2019, let's move on. Sexual pleasure is amazing. Trust me. I've been single a while. I know. Ha ha ha.
Time to set a date night with YO FINE ASS SELF. Yes. I said that. Let's get freaky! Break out some wine, or smoke yourself a fatty, whatever helps, let go and relax. No pressure, remember, pressure is going to take away from your pleasure, not add to it. Watch some porn, read some erotica, bust out the toy selection, or hell, use your own soft beautiful fingers, they know the way. Trust your body.
Talking to your partner about this isn't going to be the easiest thing you've done all week, I promise you that. And you don't have to make dinner tonight and mid bite tell them, hey, you know I fake all my orgasms with you, wanna help me figure out what's going on? Yeah, let's refrain from that one. But there are nicer ways to go about it. Simply telling them that you're having trouble orgasming is a good start, but you are going to know what's going to work best for you and your partner. Again, we're going back to the pressure thing here. This is sex we are talking about here, orgasms. We are adults. Relax. Bring it up while you have some down time, while things are happy, when you have some real time to talk. It's possible it's connected to pressure and stress in your life, and it's simply a one time, or during a stressful point in your life event, and it's just being unable to connect with your partner and let go during sex. This is why communication is key for a healthy relationship.
And one of my biggest key points of all here, sexual education... A WOMAN DOES NOT NEED TO HAVE AN ORGASM TO ENJOY SEX. AND I'LL SAY THAT AGAIN FOR THE ONES IN THE BACK. A WOMAN DOES NOT NEED TO ORGASM FOR THE SEX TO BE TOTALLY MIND BLOWING AMAZING.
Don't get me wrong, I love a good orgasm, and I am not saying a woman doesn't need to ever orgasm to enjoy sex either. However, NOT all women cum from internal penetration alone, and not always is someone going to totally be there in mind, body and soul, so the orgasm simply isn't going to happen. BUT. This just isn't a topic that's talked about much, something that's not educated widely, and definitely something that isn't shown in porn. Oh no, Everyone cums in porn. Crazy, loud, mind blowing orgasms, from simple penis penetration, over and over again. Stop this madness lol. **Side note, can a woman orgasm like that? Sure. But don't hold her to it each and every single time ya hop in the sack. Because it then becomes an ego thing. A man is led to believe a woman has to orgasm to enjoy sex, that there has to be an end game for her, therefor the woman feels pressured to make the man feel like the sex was amazing by cumming even if she didn't, which leads to faking an orgasm, even if the sex WAS amazing, she just didn't cum from it. I'm not making that up folks, there have been studies done on this ridiculously stupid sounding cycle, and if you think about it hard enough, I'm sure you've possibly fallen into this trap once or twice.
The only way we can break the cycle of faking orgasms is to be more honest with our partners and ourselves, and to relax a little bit and put our egos aside. Sex is fun. Incredible. Amazing. And orgasms are fantastic. But sex is so much more than the orgasm at the end, especially for women, and that awful O face we ALL make. So next time you hop into bed with your partner, (partners, you adventurous people, you) take a moment and pause. Inhale a deep breath. Exhale. Bring yourself into the here and now. Enjoy the moment, it's glorious, amazing, fun, exciting, sexy, incredible... and let whatever happens, happen. An orgasm isn't everything, but it's everything if you can put the faking aside, and focus on the pleasure at hand.
That's all folks. Happy orgasming! ;)
Author Carissa McIntyre xoxo