You guys, I am trying to put this blog together for ya'll, and I am killing myself laughing in the process. I had forgotten about some of these gems lol. These are hilarious, and worth the read.
Yes, these are all real messages, sent to me, on an online dating site. I cropped out names and photos for identifying purposes, because all of these "men" are local to me, and I would hate for their mother, girlfriend or wife to come across my blog and see how they really talk to people... or maybe I would actually enjoy that.. ;)
Seriously though, this was a lot of fun to put together, and only the beginning. PLUS, these are actually FIRST time messages too, which makes them even more funny, there was no background or previous conversation before this one. Imagine what going on a date with some of these men would have been like? Ha.
Don't even get me started, because they could be a whole series of hilarious "first date fails" as well. In fact, this has sparked an idea for a whole series of different blogs, but I will get to that eventually. For now, laugh with me.
I find these messages funny because I have a terrible sense of humor. I know some of you won't, and that's ok too. I have thick skin, but, not everyone does. And I would hate to see what some of these messages do to women who are not used to, well, the yuckier side of the internet.
In case you are wondering, my profiles online are always "pretty normal". I don't post looking for a FWB, in fact, it usually states, no hook ups, looking for something serious. I don't post beach bikini photos or cleavage shots, not that I have any breasts anyway, ha. And there is NOTHING wrong with any of those photos, but we all know, online, they get taken any way they want to, which isn't always in a positive light.
Also, I know my cover photo is from Tinder, which is a known hook up site, but I bounced from there pretty fast, especially once I realized that THAT guy specifically has sent that message to like, a dozen of my local friends LOL.
And before someone says it, women are terrible too. Yes they are. This is not a sexist thing, it just so happens that I am a single woman who has spent time in the online dating world talking to men, and the messages the men have sent me have ranged from weird, funny, hilarious, to threatening, scary, and awful.
And those blogs will come too, because I think it's time we shed some light on how people are acting online. Maybe, to you real, serious men out there, it will be an eye opener to why we are a little more weary of online dating these days, and why we have walls up. Maybe, if you are a man who has sent stuff like this, it might make you think twice before you send another one. I don't know what it is about the internet, and why people behave like this, but I BET YOUR LEFT ARM if I saw you in the grocery store, you aren't going to whip out your cock and be like, it's 9 inches baby, want some?
Anyway, maybe you're just bored today, snowed in, and need a good laugh. This blog is for all of you, whether you're 60 years happily married, or 60 years single, or find yourself like me, a hopeless romantic wishing we could all take dating back about 20+ years. Happy reading!
Oh, yes, please, random stranger on the internet, who I have never spoke to before, who has no photo, and I know absolutely nothing about. Let's hook up for total random sex. That sounds lovely.
What?? Who told you I was good in bed? I need to know who is sharing my secrets. Do you say this to everyone mid conversation? How does that work out for ya?
I'm just going to leave this one here, because I have too many questions. Is he a troll? Or does he legit want dick pics? Doesn't he have his own? Does he know he can watch porn? Why does he need to know how many are in my collection? That's for me. Duh.
Um, no. How about no. But, it bothers me a lot how fast this changed, from one message to the other. What if I had replied to his first message? Was his entire agenda just to hook up?
Ok, you know what? Points to this guy for putting out there what he wants, but his approach is all wrong. Don't ask someone about their kids and if they're into hung doms at the same time, alright? It's weird. And this is not fetlife.
No! No no no no. Do NOT ever do this. No. This is the creepiest of the creepy. If you see someone on a dating site, do not search for them offline to contact them. There is a reason you may not have matched or they didn't answer your message. Plus, the second part of this screams desperation and needy and zero confidence, and any woman who sees stuff like this in your message or profile is going to CRINGE and run.
This guy too. He sent the second message 7 whole fucking minutes after the first message. Stop this nonsense. What if I was so amazed by your profile and photo and that YOU actually took the time to message me, that I passed out from excitement? What if I was taking a shit and just didn't want to reply the moment you messaged me. Goddess help us all.
Ok, this one made me laugh quite a bit. Too bad it's a terrible line from google and he's sent it to 37363 other women online.
This stuff again. Where did you see my butt cheeks? Why would you crush them? I just have so many questions here.
Oh, please? Would you? I actually need a brand new mommy van, bright custom blue, dodge caravan 2019, with all my custom logos on it? That would be great. Thanks peach!
Hmm, no photo, no conversation, no idea who you are. Yes, let's get married, I'll go buy a dress. What church?
Is it just me, or does this guys message set off warning bells for anyone else?
Dude. I have so many questions. Are you drunk? Are you high? Are you just so struck by my beauty that you're going to pass out? Where are we going? Can we drive in my new mommy van some other dude on here is buying me??
As you guys can see, I was having way too much fun with this over the last few days. And this isn't even the tip of the iceberg. I know some of you have some amazing gems for me too, so honestly, feel free to reach out and share them with me, just make sure you cut out all of the names, and I'll feature them in a guest blog! I'll be going through my own screenshots and vaults over the next little bit, and the following dating blog might be a little bit darker. It's a weird world out there. Stay safe. Happy dating , and I hope we all find what we're looking for out there!
Much Love, thanks for reading!
Share with a friend if you got a laugh, or know someone who's struggling with online dating too.
Author Carissa McIntyre xoxo