Have you ever been at an amusement park, and while you’re riding a rollercoaster ride, and it’s your turn to get off… the attendant just lets you go round another time? That uncertainty, that rush, that unsure what’s happening but fuck it let’s ride on anyway…
What would you do if he just… walked away, turned his back to you and left, letting the ride continue to run, and run and run? Into the night, into the day, into forever.
I feel like I’m stuck in a loop, and someone else has to let me out, but they forgot about me.
I feel like the tracks are falling apart and no one can stop the rollercoaster car long enough to stop them from crumbling and falling to bits due to overuse and stress.
I feel like sometimes the tracks are smooth and the view is lovely but I’m pretty sure that around the next bend, there’s a chunk missing.
I have felt every single emotion on this rollercoaster ride in a run away flood I cannot stop, just like the car I feel like I’m sitting in.
A few weeks to stay at home with my children, stay safe, play hookey from life, catch up on things while we do our part, spending time with one another and being grateful for our love…
Has turned into a constant struggle for mental health, a battle to keep children sane, an exhausting effort to be heard, crying for help, fighting non stop against something I can’t see and don’t know how to beat and don’t know if it’ll stop. I don’t think my rollercoaster rides through the exit ramp anymore; I can’t even tell if someone knows I’m on this thing to come and let me back off again.
Ups and downs. Unexpected twists and turns. No rest. Chaos. Peace. Calm. Moments of happiness. Turmoil. Clinging to laughter. Hiding in the dark. That moment when you hit the top of the coaster and you’re waiting to tip over; that sinking upwards feeling in your belly, except it doesn’t stop.
Trying to catch your breath. Trying to find footing. Is the safety bar coming lose? There’s another loopty loop in the track. Will gravity hold me in?
Searching for the ways to keep my optimism, to focus on my intentions, to spread the love, to find myself in the madness and fill my cup enough to fill those around me before we all start screaming into the void to be let off the ride.
Reality is volatile. Unknown.
In security, I fall. In preparation, I am side blinded.
Looking for the beauty when eyes are cloudy with tears.
This is simply my souls release, something I don’t often share. Today I need to bare my soul in words.
Tomorrow, when we go round the track again and no one is there to let us off, I may handle it with more grace, with more positivity, with more grounded feelings, but today I am flying too high for that, and so I let it out into the world.
My soul is tired. My soul is exhausted. My soul is scared.
But my soul is love. My soul is faith. My soul is fire. My soul is courage. My soul knows that there is beauty and life inside.
So my soul pushes forth, for another time forward on the tracks. May they hold me steady and not falter and crash.
Since no attendant is waiting, then let us flow around and around, and around again, with peace as each turn comes; in the chaos, in the unknown, in the pain, in the loneliness and stillness, in the love, in the passion, in the now.
Through what feels like quick sand, and Mach 10, so fast it’s slow, so slow you’re unable to see for the speed, falling through lightening, crashing through brokenness, and the sounds of other passengers on the car with us, just know that we are not alone.
One jumble mind dumping of words to another. I feel you.
And if you need someone, I am here for you.
Ride on my friends. Much love.
From my heart to yours.
Author Carissa McIntyre,
Lady Mack Xo