Hey friends and followers and all my amazing reader fans!
I know I am slacking on my blogs right now, so I just wanted to give a quick update before I go forward with my next erotica blog, and catch ya'll up.
I don't really know how to explain the last week, two weeks or so of my life, other than it was just a big busy blur that resulted in me having somewhat of a wee break down.
Started one morning when I could barely open my hands and arms from over working myself so hard, ended with me UGLY... U.G.L.Y. crying on my bedroom floor.
Your girl here just piled WAY too much on her plate, was WAY too hard on herself, and didn't catch a break in the mean time.
All sorts of crazy was happening in my life, my personal life, my health, everything had me feeling like I was drowning, but I just kept on trudging through until I just couldn't anymore.
I have a really hard time asking for help, reaching out to those around me who care, and not feeling like myself or my kids or my needs are worth it, like we are a burden.
A really big thing I need to work on, clearly, because it's greatly affecting my mental health, and my life.
But it's awful, that feeling of years and years of conditioning, from family, friends, school, the world around me, ugh, countless ex boyfriends, people I let treat me like I was a burden, a chore, in the way, etc, and so, that's how I let myself see myself.
I cannot express that yucky, almost jealous feeling I've gotten watching people around me just, tell others they need them, ask for things they want, get help, when it feels impossible to do that myself, because a thousand voices in my head are screaming at me, that I can do it myself, not to bother anyone, I deserve this, it's my fault, ugh, the list is endless, and so unhealthy.
But I am learning, forcing myself to speak up, to ask for what I need, to express how I feel, to take up that space.
And that's scary lol. But, hell, I am doing it. I deserve it.
I don't deserve the mental way I talk to myself, treat myself, belittle myself in those regards, because I am an incredible, amazing person, who literally bends over backwards for those I love, for those in need, and gives them everything.
I need to realize, there are wonderful, good, caring, loving people in my life who will do the same thing for me, but, they aren't mind readers. They have to know what I want.
The icing on all of this was having a really good friend reach out to me during this, someone who is having a real crisis in their life, and literally said, hey, I need you.
Wow, of course, a... I'm going to be there for them, but b... that's what friends, people who love and care for you, do, so just open your damn mouth Carissa, pick up the phone, and be like, yo, I'm drowning here, someone help me, please.
I know, KNOW, I am not alone here. This is a real issue that affects so many of us, from years of negative self talk, people around us, and toxic environments.
We are in this together. Reach out, let's chat. We have to talk about these things. We have to talk about mental illness. It is not "attention seeking". It is not "being dramatic". It is very, VERY real and something we need to break the stigma over.
You are not a burden.
You are not alone.
You deserve everything you give to everyone else.
And you can ask for it.
I love you all.
Please take care of yourselves.
Thanks for reading.
Author Carissa McIntyre xoxo