I am convinced this wisdom tooth is going to be the death of me. Waaah.
Ok, yes, I am clearly being extremely melodramatic, but it's been 4 days, and this busy momma just doesn't have time for this.
It wasn't an easy tooth extraction, and I am going to be honest with ya'll, I have not been taking my time to rest and heal like I should be.
But I just don't have that kinda time.
And now, well, now we are on day 4 with probably a dry socket, I mean, there's still a gaping black hole in the back of where my wisdom tooth was, and, it HURTS.
And I am finding that I have to sort of force myself to find the time to heal.
I am literally forcing myself into bed, but then justifying it by bringing my laptop and notebooks in there with me.
I have tried to binge watch TV, but all I do is watch 8 episodes while only really absorbing 3 because at the same time I was bent over my laptop, feverishly pounding out words, stories, feelings, creativity.
I guess that makes me the perfect example of a hypocrite, am I right?
I mean, on any other given day, I'm all, take care of yourself, self love, put yourself first, do what's right for your mind.
But when I'm actually sick, or down and out, or need a real break?
It's fine, push through it, deadlines can't be moved, people won't wait.
What the hell. Yes, yes it all can.
Didn't I already learn this lesson when I had a damn break down in the wintertime?
One would think I did, but here I am, driving myself crazy again.
I have 2, or maybe 3, books I am writing. 3 short stories, all literally in the middle of a crazy sex scene.
Book goals to hit, sales to meet, hell, I am almost 100% totally financing myself, which means I still need to worry about rent, bills, food.
My kids, well, they never stop needing me, and when it's just me, who else takes care of them?
This wisdom tooth, it sure has given me a lot to think about. It's made me think about the big picture, who I am, who I am as a business person, mother, entrepreneur, part of the community. It's made me think about how I operate on a daily basis, how much time I really put into myself, how much time I truly take off, how often I ACTUALLY check out, check my mind out, take time to heal.
I feel like I keep coming around full circle to that last bit. Self love.
Am I really loving myself to my full potential when I push myself this hard, make excused and justify why it's ok that my mouth is still bleeding, I'm in bed, so that's resting, even if I have to get up 6 times to check on dinner, if my laptop is open on my lap, and if I'm scribbling away in a notebook, all at the same time.
No, that's not really loving myself.
That's being scared, and uncertain, that if I stop for 5 minutes, everything that I've built, worked so hard for, killed myself over, will come tumbling down around me.
But if I sit down and LISTEN TO MY SOUL, I know, deep down, that's never going to happen. I have come way to far to just come this far. So many people have my back, are rooting for me, believe in me. That won't go away because I am healing.
What I am really taking from all of this, what I want to share with you in all of this, is that sometimes, even with the best intentions, we still don't always do what's best or what's right for us. We still may be seeing through a different lens.
So, this morning I asked myself, what would I do if this was my best friend in my shoes, but, what if I was 6000 miles away, and unable to physically support her. What would I offer as encouragement, what would I expect from her, from my point of view, for her to be taking care of herself, healing, and resting.
Firstly, I'd want her to shut down. Yes. Shut down. A few days off won't kill you, your friends, your family, anyone. Turn that computer off.
Then. I'd tell her I believe in her. Everyone believes in her. That she's got this. That she has been through so much, she can handle anything.
I'd convince her to let the tension melt away. Bills will get paid. Books will sell. Life will be glorious. Breathe.
I'd tell her she was a bomb ass mom, who has always put her children first, who is strong enough to come through on the other side, whole. Happy. Healthy.
Then I thought about those things, over and over again.
And I thought about how they actually applied to me, not some friend I made up in my head 6000 miles away.
And the lesson here is, love yourself. Not just the way you think, on the outside, that you need to be. But love yourself from someone else's perspective... if you were your own best friend, would you love the way you talk to yourself, treat yourself, put yourself last, bend over backwards and kill yourself over things that don't matter in the big picture?
It's not easy to accept, but I am not always good to myself, and it's time to see myself from my other eyes.
It's time to love myself.
Go, love yourself. A little harder. A little more. A little deeper.
All MY Love, to my amazing readers!
Author Carissa McIntyre xoxo